The reality of online dating
The online dating world is cruel; there is so much rejection in gay dating. The swipe left, the end of your hot and intense conversation, or the pain of being ghosted post-hookup. These experiences can cause you to doubt and question yourself, denting your confidence.
I do not spend much time online trying to get hookups, partly because it doesn't interest me. I am more of an emotional connection, kind of gay. The digital age has transformed how we connect, making it easy to access potential partners, but it is also impersonal. It's not that I never use apps or enjoy hook-ups. But you need to be interesting and capture my attention in order for me to agree to a quick hookup.
So, one person contacted me on Scruff, and I didn't say no. His body was divine. He said all the right things about what I would like to do and what he "was into". So I agreed to say yes. After exchanging a few messages, he sent me a message and gave me his phone number. I asked for his name, and when I checked 15 minutes later, I found myself blocked, without reason.
I still don't understand why.
Then, a friend of mine shared his story with me. He'd been hooking up with this guy for a couple of times now. And it was going really well. This is his story:
"We got along well. It was a little bit more than sex, good conversations and good connections. After a couple of weeks, I asked him if he wanted to come with me to a friend's birthday party. And then, suddenly, he ghosted me. He blocked me on social media and the appa. Even when I rang him, the phone number said it no longer existed."
I am pretty sure that story resonates with you as well, echoing a common theme of self-doubt, unresolved questions and frustration.
It is hard not to take these things personally when they happen. It's easy to question yourself. And, that's exactly what we tend to do: What did I do wrong? Was I not good enough? Was I not attractive enough? Did I say something wrong?
Now, let's look at how to handle rejection in gay dating and turn your story around:
1. Stop making this about you. Make it about them.
When you have to think about how to handle rejection in gay dating, you have to consider your perspective. Stop thinking that it is your fault, that you're not good enough. I remember once watching the show The Bold Type, and when one of the girls got rejected, the girl who dumped her said, "This is about me, not you; she said something like, "You damn right, it's not about me, because I am awesome."
2. Don't make a fuss.
When a person blocks me online, I really don't care. I don't know them, I have no deep connection, and I have no expectations. They can block me. They can ignore me. That's what I do when I don't want to talk to somebody. It's part of dating online. So, no problems there. But I am completely confused when a person stops connecting with you after they have given you their phone number and after you ask for their name. Yeah, I know. It's very easy to think "Oh, too hard basket." Everybody, at times, feels the same way. Being ghosted and rejected can be frustrating, but it is just the way life is.
3. They're scared to be vulnerable.
In order to build friendships and deeper connections, you have to be vulnerable. And, let's face it: Sometimes, people are just too scared to connect. Showing vulnerabilities can be challenging, and that can scare people off. When you are dealing with handling rejection in gay dating, you need to remember this: Maybe they are scared, you're getting too close.
4. They're not as confident as they pretend to be.
We all look at people in a certain way, whether we like them or not. And we all judge ourselves by our own standards. Maybe some people feel that they're going to be shown up to not be as smart, sexy or confident as they pretend to be online. And that's why they are struggling to open up. That's why they're struggling to connect in a different way that goes beyond a regular hookup or sex.
5. Something triggers in their mind
But let me look at things differently. Because I am certainly guilty of this behaviour. Sometimes, you get swept up in a moment, the anticipation, and excitement. But then suddenly, when it becomes real, you suddenly get scared, and you run away.
Everybody has triggers that can cause them to behave in a certain way. What's far more important is that you make sure that you're not personally impacted by the rejection. Don't take it personally, and stay strong and confident regardless of what life throws at you.
6. Self-love and Reflection are the antidote to rejection.
When you have to handle rejection in gay dating, you need to remember what it is like to love yourself, and to support yourself. Here are a few questions you should ask yourself:
- Were they compatible?
- Were there any doubts in your mind that you pushed aside?
- Were there things you didn't like that you chose to ignore?
- Do you feel you could be authentic around them?
- Were there situations where they didn't come through when you needed them?
It is easy for you to say, "Look what was done to me." But everybody sometimes rejects people. On the other hand, we also all protect ourselves in our own ways.
But the best response is this: Next time you want to break up with somebody, don't ignore them. Treat them the way you want to be treated, and tell them openly and honestly that you're just not into it anymore.
Handling rejection in gay dating is about building resilience and growing as a person. Rejection is a great opportunity to get to know yourself better and become more confident. It’s a process of letting go of what no longer serves you and, ultimately, cultivating a stronger sense of self-love and acceptance. Let go of your need for external validation and focus on inner love and self-acceptance. When you take this approach, rejection becomes a growth opportunity and is a step towards greater emotional wisdom and a relationship that is right for you.