How to beat your endless shit cycle

We all have a shit cycle. What is yours?

We all have a shit cycle. For some it is a financial struggle, for others, it is their career, yet other people keep struggling with relationships.

Beat your shit cycle - man staring at waterfall
Photo by Tom Grimbert on Unsplash

I recently spoke to somebody who had numerous relationships that left him emotionally scarred and hurt. These relationships were marred by drug use, emotional abuse and cheating.

It is easy to judge somebody when they’re in that cycle, blaming drugs and maybe even judging their background and lifestyle choices.

But I always believe in the good side of people, besides he isn’t the only one.

From loser to loser

I have spoken to many women who are successful in their career but who seem to attract “loser” after “loser.” You see, many of us suffer from a shit cycle, but this cycle is different for everybody.

Some people that work during the week, go out on the weekend, get drunk and party too much, suffer during the week, repeat the cycle again a week later. How many people do you know that have said after a big night out, “never again,” only to do it again 2 days, a week or a month later?

How we handle shit cycles

A shit cycle is a destructive pattern that you want to break, but can’t.

This is how we usually deal with our shit cycle:

  1. It starts with us doing the behaviour we said we would never do again
  2. We feel bad, maybe even guilty
  3. We might justify our actions, explain the behaviour away. It is only Saturday, he doesn’t mean it, everything else in our relationship is great, or it is not my fault that I just lost my job (even though you spent your money on clothes, brunches and cars instead of saving money)
  4. Then we tell ourselves we’re bad people, maybe we say we have no self discipline, and call ourselves a whole lot of different names until we’ve convinced ourselves we’re nothing more than a pile of shit
  5. Then we promise we never do it again.  We promise to change our attitude and behaviour. 
  6. And finally, we go back to our lives. Until we do it again.

I am such an idiot

What an idiot we are for doing that to ourselves over and over again, right?

Wrong. Let me explain to you why. 

I want to start by giving you three important definitions:

  • being at fault
  • being at effect and
  • being at cause. 

Being at fault

You’re at fault when you do something on purpose. For example, you pick up a rock and throw it through somebody’s window.

Being at the effect side

To be at effect side means that nothing is ever your fault. For example, you buy hot coffee, spill it all over you, as a result you burn yourself. You decide to sue because the coffee was too hot. Any bad decision you ever make will be followed by a reason why somebody else caused it. And you’re probably think that everybody is always against you.

Being at cause

Being at cause  When you’re at cause you take responsibility for what is happening in your life. You miss the train and you acknowledge that you could have left earlier and that you could have done without those 5 minutes in front of the TV.

Now, let’s use the example of a cheating partner to explain some of the pitfalls of these three attitudes. It’s happened to me and I am sure it happened to many others. 

Avoid judging yourself and others

First of all, it is important to acknowledge that we are not judging the person’s behaviour. That is a whole different topic, we are simply using this example as a way to illustrate these three different attitudes. 

When you look for blame

Let’s start with being at fault. You can argue it isn’t your fault that your partner decided to cheat on you and that it is their fault. I could agree with that. But here is a challenge with this attitude.

Blaming somebody else stops you from evaluating objectively what happened. This means that you’re not looking at what went wrong between the TWO of you and what part you played in this. This could be as simple as ignoring your gut instinct that something wasn’t right, to acknowledging that you say no to your partner wanting sex 9 out of ten times, which is not meeting their needs. Again we are not judging whether these situations justify his behaviour, because you end up looking for blame, which ends up with somebody at fault.

When you’re at effect

Being at effect means you act like a victim, look what he did to me, I can’t believe it, this always happens to me, I don’t deserve it. Again, this may be true, but here is why this approach is not going to work.  This is another way of you giving your power away, meaning you can’t make changes and prevent similar things from happening in the future.

When you’re at cause

Finally, we have being at cause. To be clear, this is not saying you’re at fault. This is also not about you taking the full responsibility for what happened. This is not saying to yourself “I made him cheat on me.”

The only way to stop a shit cycle is to acknowledge that you’re always part of what  is happening. That is all. In our example it means that you acknowledge what has happened and accept that something has to change about you. 

In our cheating example, you accept that he has cheated (don’t make it your fault nor his) then you put yourself at cause (there is something about me, that allowed this to happen.) I need to work out what it is so I can prevent this from happening again. Again, this is not about blaming yourself for what happened. If you’re in a shit cycle, and the same things keep happening to you, there is one constant: you. 

What if nobody else is involved? For example, you binge on alcohol or drugs? You have to follow the same principle. 

How to handle shit cycles

First of all, don’t blame yourself for your actions, there is no point feeling guilty. You need to acknowledge that the only person who can change this cycle is you, and only you. Don’t blame your crap job or the fact that “everybody else” does it. Even justifying your behaviour puts you in a victim mentality. Accept what is happening, and start to take steps to change it.

By being at cause, you’re in a position of empowerment. You can’t change your partner. But you can change yourself, you can take decisions for yourself and influence what happens in your future.  The key is, it releases your negative energy and converts it into change, making you a better person and most likely, as a result, the world around you becomes better too.  Your shit cycle will end.

The trigger

There is one more thing. “The Cause” that triggers a shit cycle is often not easily recognised.

Most of the time it is sub-conscious attitudes and feelings of unworthiness that cause a shit cycle in your life. However, on a deeper level, it is possible that there is an energetic imbalance that is causing the shit cycle.

That imbalance can have many causes. It can be caused by past relationships, or it can be adopted from parents and even past lives.

None of these explanations is going to make your shit cycle experience easier, but their is one thing that you need to take away.

It is in your power to change and influence your future. And the right professional can help you with removing the core trigger of your shit cycle..

Are you ready? Let’s break the cycle and let’s build a life worth living.