Is there such a thing as too ugly for love?
I recently received a message from somebody in my Facebook Group. In his message, he said, “When people look at my appearance, they just run.” Now, a bit further on in the message, he said, “I don’t really understand why people run away from me.” I thought that was really interesting. Can somebody really be too ugly for love? One story that many guys have going on in their head is that they feel too ugly for love.
But, before I get started, I have to say: an amazing job for this person for being so open and honest about feeling like this. It is really amazing when people start to acknowledge something like that. A big part of why I’m so proud of people saying something like that is that it means they are ready for change. They are ready to challenge themselves and to create a life that is better for them.
But let’s get back to the message, and let’s break it down.
The story probably isn’t true
First I want to highlight some reasons why stories like “I feel unattractive” show up in our lives. Then I want to share potential things that we can do to turn those stories around.
It is essential to understand that when people feel like this, it might not necessarily be true that they are unattractive. In fact, I looked at this person’s profile on Facebook, and I actually saw they have a lot of friends. Not everybody is running away from him at all. You can start to see the contradiction in the story that developed in his mind. First, he says, “People are running away because of my appearance.” And then he says, “Well, I don’t know why people are running away from me.”
You can start to see that you can pick the story that this person has been telling themselves apart. It is also true that some people who are deemed attractive by today’s standards still feel that way. But it’s not just about looks when people start to feel this. It could be about intelligence or how smart they are.
What causes the stories in our head
A lot of people have stories in their mind that negatively influence their lives. The question is, why do we create these stories and how did these stories come into existence? There are a few reasons why this is happening.
Experience and environment
First of all, experience. For example, if a person doesn’t think that they are very intelligent, it could be because they’ve been surrounded by people that are scoring better marks in school or college. Or they have a family that believes that to be deemed intelligent, they need to score certain marks at school, and if they don’t have those, they might think that they’re not that smart.
The same happens with feeling attractive. In the world we live in, there are certain standards that we think are making a man beautiful. And there are different ones, For example, you need to have muscles, a smooth chest and lots of tattoos.? If you don’t fit that image, then it is easy for you to start to feel you are not beautiful. Also, other people will measure you against those standards. Those are just a few different reasons why we feel we don’t meet the standards.
The standards we set for ourselves
Second of all, we have these standards ourselves and that’s why we are feeling, we don’t conform. Or the experience of people around us and the way we are being judged is telling us that we’re not attractive. Of course, this can happen to everybody. As I said, you don’t need to be conforming to that ideal image but even for people that conform to that ideal image, it’s still possible that people like that tell the same story.
So experience and the standards we set for ourselves are key factors in why we develop these stories.
How to change the stories in your head
Now let’s look at how we can start to change those stories.
Don’t go and expect to change the world
First of all, you have to accept that you can’t change the world. It will be tough for you to tell people who have a certain belief system to change. It is also going to be really difficult for us to change this ideal image in our society. And, you know what? We all judge other people. We do that ourselves too. You know people shouldn’t be judged on looks and appearances, but we all do it. But if we are concerned that we’re not smart enough or not good enough, we’re not judging what we can see, but we still are judging. So we all do this all the time. Saying that we shouldn’t judge people is not going to help.
Turn your focus inward and stop feeling you’re too ugly for love
“I am unattractive” is a story, and it can be part of a pattern in your life. The thing is that we always measure ourselves by standards that are external to us. Whether it’s an ideal image or somebody telling us that we are not smart enough or good enough or attractive enough or intelligent enough. Like most people, you probably look for external factors to validate how you feel about yourselves. You don’t do this consciously. You do this unconsciously. The interesting thing about us is that we are more likely to compare ourselves with people who make us feel worse than people who make us feel good. So we are reinforcing those negative beliefs that we have about ourselves over and over again.
The interesting thing about us is that we are more likely to compare ourselves with people who make us feel bad compared to people who can make us feel good.
These are the key things you need to start to be aware of:
- Stop comparing yourself and measuring yourself externally.
- Don’t try to change things externally.
This is really where the solution comes in. You have to start to focus on transforming the story that you’re telling yourself into a different and more positive story. Everybody in the world has got an amazing quality that makes them attractive. And let’s face it. Some people get paid to be attractive, like models. Other people get paid because they are really business savvy. But some people have really great value in being a parent or a partner. So there’s a lot of different things that make us a great person, which makes us valuable to other people.
If you feel too ugly for love, focus on your strengths
One of the things you could start to do if you feel like this is you need to consider what your personal strength is. What is your value that you can contribute to your own life, to the lives of those around you, and also for the greater good? That’s a starting point.
Another thing you can do is to transform those negative beliefs into more positive beliefs. I know it is possible and I’ve seen it happen over and over again.
The true challenge
The challenge that we often have when we think we’re not good enough or attractive enough, not smart enough, is that we measure ourselves by external standards, but we need to focus internally. “I am unattractive,” or “I am not good enough,” or “I am not smart enough are stories, and they are lies. We need to look for our own greatness, our own amazing things that we can contribute. Consider how you can change and challenge those limiting self-beliefs that we have about ourselves.
To learn more about how you can take control of your life, check out my coaching program The Boyfriend Formula.