How are personal boundaries limiting your success?

Break down barriers and reach your potential.

Personal Boundaries

You know what it is like. During a meeting somebody makes a comment about your work and instantly your defense systems come up. You cross your arms and in a passive aggressive tone you say something like “You are wrong”. Or you partner is challenging you and you cut them of with a “Whatever”, and you walk away. If you have never portrayed this behaviour I would love to hear from you in the comments. But if you are honest with yourself you have to recognise this happens to you too. It is uncomfortable when somebody pushes you too far. And we protect ourselves. However what triggers you is different for everybody. So what kind of personal boundaries do you protect yourself with?

personal boundaries, success, potential, coaching

There are two types of personal boundaries that we are drawing our attention to:

The question we are asking you is; If your boundaries are protecting you from getting hurt, are you limiting yourself from reaching your full potential? Personal boundaries that protect you from getting hurt, may at one point have been useful. However over time, the need to protect yourself may have gone and they can now be limiting you in achieving relationship, financial and career success. What can we do to break through those barriers and reach our potential?

Self defense mechanisms and Personal Boundaries

Many of us build a nice big wall around ourselves to stop us from getting hurt. How you deploy that wall is different for everybody. Let’s talk about some behavioural patterns that I am sure you are familiar with. The cone of silence (not speaking to others). Ignoring signs of love and affection. Going on the offense and hurting others before they hurt your. Emotional withdrawal to break the connection. In fact, all strategies have one thing in common: They prevent you from achieving your full potential. And off course, the irony is, that you’re the only person getting hurt. Not to mention that the only person responsible, is you.

Another brick in the wall

Self defense mechanisms are like a wall that you have carefully constructed over many many years. Bricks get added every time you get hurt, disappointed or betrayed. The bricks get added because many of us don’t learn the tools that allow us to deal with hurt, betrayal and rejection. Many of us don’t learn the tools to love ourselves and to appreciate ourselves for who we are. Not only do we build walls, we limit ourselves in achieving our full potential. We prevent ourselves from being who we are meant to be.

If nobody has ever told you that you are a good person, that they love you for who you are, the chances are big that you don’t think of yourself in those terms, making it difficult for you to accept that from another. Putting up a personal boundary is a self defense mechanism which is simply another brick in the wall.

What do you do if you notice that those personal barriers are limiting you? How do you start to change them? The answer is to  grow, and become the person you are meant to be. In other words, in order for you to reach your potential, you need to let go of your limiting beliefs and push your boundaries. It’s time to make changes.

Making changes

Start making changes by following these six steps:

Step 1 is Awareness. Conscious Incompetence. It is also about acknowledging, it is you, who has to change and not the world around you. It is also having the awareness of your boundaries and how they impact everything in your life, from relationships to finances to career.

Step 2 is taking Responsibility. Once you take all those people and situations away it leaves one person- and that is you. Only you can change yourself and you can’t change others. Start by changing your self.

Step 3 is “Massive Action”. Set some measurable goals that show you that you care for yourself and that you trust yourself. And start to take notice when your thoughts are changing.

Step 4 is about learning about the Values you want to change. Is it about relationships? Learning a new skill? Start to read and absorb what it is that you want to learn.

Step 5 is changing your Environment. Surround yourself by the people who reflect the values that you want to adopt. Observe and learn from those people.

Step 6 is moving towards Success. If you are not achieving your goals sit back and reflect on the action you have taken. Did it achieve the results you expected? Is there other action which is able to get you closer. In short you take action, reflect, adjust and repeat this process until you reach success.

Off course you can take on these steps alone. However, the challenge for many people is that it is difficult to recognise their thoughts and feelings which are key to behavioural change. For others it is difficult to push beyond their comfort zone. Find a coach who will make it easier for you to break these barriers ensuring that those walls get broken down for increased success.

How to use nutritional awareness and experience vitality.

How does food make you feel?

I always pay attention to how food is effecting my mood and my body. As a part of my nutritional awareness I focus on how I feel after eating certain foods. I have learned a long time ago that food is not just about nutrition it is also about emotions.

nutritional awareness

We all need to indulge occasionally and that is exactly what I did last Saturday.

On this particular Saturday, I planned a trip to Ikea. There are three things I like about Ikea: couple watching, Swedish meatballs and the fact they have liquorice including my favourites: Schoolkrijt (Crayons) – it’s a Dutch thing.

The story behind food.

There is a story behind Ikea. I lived in the UK for 10 years, many of those with my partner at that time. And I remember many, many happy trips to Ikea where  every trip would end with a visit to the Ikea restaurant for Swedish meatballs. In other words, I associate Swedish meatballs with good memories; It makes me feel good. It is also a habit to have meatballs at Ikea. An association that has become ingrained in my brain: Ikea = meatballs.

I had made my plan: Arrive at Ikea, get some “Crayons”, eat them all whilst I shop, finish of with Swedish Meatballs and chips. When I arrived at Ikea I was very disappointed to see they didn’t have “Crayons.” However they did have my other favourite: Bassett’s winegums. I decided to indulge and “since I was picking up one bad thing, I might as well have more”….and I did. –“But only for the taste”, even though I knew very well what they were going to taste like and that I probably wasn’t going to enjoy them.

During my shopping trip I was continuously stuffing myself. Enjoying what I was eating whilst also in a hurry to finish my bag of candy. Not only do I lose all self restraint when I eat licorice, I also I lose all self restraint. I eat fast. Once it’s gone it’s gone, that is my attitude. As a child licorice was my comfort food. I would buy licorice and I would smuggle it up to my room where I was often studying/ hiding from stress and tension.

Back to Ikea….

I finished my shopping trip and my bag of candy. It would have been around 200 grams which is a lot of sugar. After my shopping trip, as promised, I went to the restaurant and stuffed my face even further with meatballs and chips. I was very aware that I wasn’t really enjoying it. Who wants to sit in an Ikea restaurant, alone, surrounded by all these happy families and couples? I ate fast and I went home. I felt bloated and sick.

The day went past. When my evening plans cancelled, I decided to go and see a movie. On the way out of the cinema I couldn’t resist to get a “tiny scoop” of buttons and chocolate covered raisins at the local convenience store. They tasted disgusting.  I was reminded how far I had come with my food habits. I threw them out.

My body was loaded with sugar and I started to feel down. It was a sadness. A combination of letting myself down, feeling slightly sick from all the crap (sugar) I had eaten that day and a feeling of loneliness and isolation. And than it struck me: I know this feeling.

The power of Nutritional Awareness

Nevertheless, the sadness was making me feel good. I understood this feeling, I was comfortable inside it. And in that moment I realised that it was the food that brought me to that point. I thought by myself “Wow, this is nutritional awareness, this is what food can do to people”.

Now consider this for a moment: How is food causing you to feel in a certain way? Can you relate the food that you crave to a specific “happy moment” in life that you are trying to hold on to? What foods do you use to numb pain of past (or present) experiences. How do you feel after you have been indulging in foods that you know are not good for you?

There are no right or wrong, good or bad answers to the above questions. Enjoying food good. But you can use nutritional awareness to be a driving force for change allowing you become the person you are meant to be. Denying yourself awareness is denying yourself nutrition for the soul.

Off course, if you now gained the awareness that you are not aware, you have just treated your soul with some great healing nourishment.

 

 

The Law of Attraction is dead.

Learn a new way of thinking.

The Law of Attraction

Last week I discovered that the law of attraction is dead. I was meditating (on the bus) and suddenly the words came to me “The Law Of Attraction Is Dead”. I was really surprised, and confused. But it all made sense to me.

law of attraction

The Law of Attraction is Disempowering

I know I have been frustrated for years with the Law of Attraction. It just doesn’t seem to be working for me, as a matter of fact it is leaving me unsatisfied with what I’ve got. But what I learned was, was that the LOA really is very disempowering. In it’s simplest form, the Law of Attraction states that you need to visualise what you want and it will come to you, because “Like attracts Like.”

As a coach the first thing I explain to my clients is “cause and effect”. If you are at cause you “create what is happening in your life”, if you are on the effect side of the equation “you wait for things to happen and you blame others if things go wrong”. And this is exactly what the Law of Attraction is about.

So what does it mean?

Instead of visualising and “attracting”, which puts the responsibility externally and gives you power away to what you want, you need to “align” yourself with what it is that you want.  In other words, instead of waiting for something to happen to you (effect) you are moving towards it until you are part of it.

Let me see if I can explain this. Say that you have $50,000 a year to live on, but you want to “attract” (to you) living on $100,000. Effectively what you are saying is “I am staying here living on $50,000, and this experience of living on $100,000 needs to come (down) to my level. Now you are equating the new experience to the old experience and it disappears.

 

But let’s say, that you want to be like Richard Branson wealthy and charismatic (if that is what you believe). You don’t know him (if you do, I would like to lunch with him) and you don’t know what that it is like to be him, simply because you’re not him.

On the other hand, you probably do know that everything is energy. You vibrate at a certain level, so does Richard Branson. Now it is up to you to start transforming your energy so it starts to vibrate at the level of Richard Branson. You don’t know what that energy is or what that feels like because you have never experienced it before.

You don’t know what it feels like, so how can you apply the Law of Attraction?

This is the biggest challenge of this new way of thinking, this new way of creating. Unless you have experienced the perfect situation of where you want to be you are going to have to trust yourself that you are able to resonate energetically with what it is that you want.

But there are a few tips that I can give which will help you to achieve alignment:

  • Know what to ask for. Because you don’t know what it is that you want, you can’t ask for anything measurable. In other words, you don’t ask for $100,000 but ask for the experience of living on a $100,000. I also call this externally vs internally focused.
  • The Trinity of Success: This can really help you in identifying if you are on the right track.
  • Assessment: During visualisation see if you can experience the difference between your current situation and the new situation.
  • Awareness: Notice any changes. Are you attracting new people, are you feeling better about what is happening.
  • Be clear on your purpose. A BIG purpose will give you BIG results in life.

The outcome.

The amazing result of this approach is that you are actually starting to better energy into your life. So even though you won’t be as successful as Richard Branson within a month, you will certainly start to feel more alignment with your own life bring you more happiness and fulfilment doing what you already do. And you know what they say: Like attracts Like.

 

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Please leave your feedback and share the change you have experienced with this new way of creating your prefect life. Please leave a comment below.

 

 

4 Tips to get out of the job trap

And how to find the perfect match

The challenge.

 You have 6 minutes and 48 seconds to make your customer happy. Time starts now.
 
job trap business leader
Can you imagine that? If you have ever worked in a call center, you know this is exactly how it works. I once did work in a call center, and to be honest, I didn’t last very long. I didn’t even last my trial period. After 6 weeks (including 2 weeks in the training room) I was stressed, short of temper and frustrated. As a result, I did feel quite embarrassed and useless.
 
If you don’t know this already, Call centers work with statistics. For example, 1st call success rate, time of completion, and how much time you spent between calls. My first call success rate was over 90%, that means that 90% of my customers didn’t call back within three days of finishing the call. The average was between 60-70%. To me that sounds pretty good.
But my call completion time was under 11 minutes, far north of the allowed 6 minutes and 48 seconds. My supervisor told me: “You have to reduce the time you spent on each call, they can always call you back”
 
I remember customers calling in angrily and upset before we even said hello to each other. Many of them had called in the previous day and the previous day. I used to calm them down and help them, resolving their issues.
 
For example, on one call, I spoke to a lady. She told me she was in her 70’s. She had to reset her password. This was her second time calling, in as many days. The guideline was to tell them “Click the menu” and “Click where it says, change your account details.” And then, to (politely) end the call. In case it didn’t work, we had to tell them with a smile, the famous words “They can always call us back.”
 
I was named and shamed for my length of calls.
 
But I gained some wisdom that I have never forgotten:
 

Avoid the job trap by choosing your job wisely.

 You might like strict discipline in your job. And that is fine. You might thrive in an environment that dictates what you can do and how long you can do it for. Including when and how long, you can go to the bathroom. Others need more freedom and flexibility. There is nothing wrong with either of those.
 
But, from experience I can tell you, it is truly frustrating if you work in an environment which is not suited to your way of working. It causes stress and it can make you sick.

Truly caring for customers is undervalued.

 
Secondly I learned that often, caring for customers is undervalued. You get judged on measurable statistics such as how much money you can save and how quickly you can complete your work, after all, statistics often don’t measure how much you care and how you look after your customers.
 
So here are four tips to help you get out of this job trap:
 
1. Be clear on your own purpose and values.
2. Understand in what environment you thrive.
3. Become aware what is holding you locked in your job trap.
4. Have the courage to make changes.
 
Ultimately, it is important for you not to settle in a job that makes you unhappy and where you don’t align with the organisation’s purpose and values. Not only will your health and relationships suffer, but just like everybody else, you deserve to have a job that lets you achieve your full potential in all areas of your life.

How to clear your mind

Papers piling up, ironing not getting done. Simple things not being cleared away. All signs of stress and overwhelm.

clear your mind

So look around. How messy is your house?

Clutter can cause stress. Furthermore, if you are stressed, it is likely that this is reflected in the clutter around you. In other words, what your house (and wardrobe) look like, is often a reflection of your mindset.  Is it time for you to clear your mind and de-clutter your life?

As you grow older, you collect possessions and experiences. As a result, over the years it becomes increasingly difficult to be flexible in life and business. Often the result is that life grinds to a halt, as we can no longer see what matters.

So where do you start?

Detox your life, clear your mind.

Detoxing is letting go of things that no longer serve you. In fact, if you want to clear your mind, start by detoxing your life. Detoxing your life means looking at different areas and start clearing out clutter.

Here are 10 steps to detox your life

  1. First of all, food. What is it that you are eating?  Since the quality of the food you eat is often a sign how you feel, this can tell you a lot about your state of mind. Also, stress and lack of sleep reduce your resistance to bad foods. If you need to recover after a period of bad diet, use a detox program to cleanse your body from the inside. Also, make sure you get enough sleep and improve the quality of the food you eat.
  2. Clothing. Get rid of clothing that you no longer wear: Make a “donate pile” and “throw away pile.” Anything damaged or torn, has to go on the throw away pile. Not only will you create more space in your wardrobe, you are also helping others that need the clothes more than you do.
  3. Change your job. Yes, changing your job can make a huge difference. Are you stressed at work and don’t know what to do about it? Perhaps it is time to look around for another opportunity.
  4. Out of sight places. Go through cupboards, the attic and garden sheds. What is still usable, donate. Everything else either recycle or throw away. Not sure where to start? Marie Kondo describes in her book “The life-changing magic of tidying up” a mindful approach to getting rid of clutter.
  5. Your house. Any jobs left to do? Because now is the time to complete them. Paint walls, hang that painting, pay those bills. Finishing something you have been avoiding, helps to clear your mind. Every job done, is another achievement you can be proud of.
  6. Change scenery. Explore a new sport or hobby to breath new energy into your life. Start a new adventure that is going to lead you to a new perspective on life.
  7. Relationships. You may notice your old friendships are not giving you the energy the way they used to. Are your friends un-reliable, not showing up or not able to commit? Do you still share the same interests? If the relationship zaps your energy, it is time leave it behind. This means that new friends can enter.
  8. Change where you live. Bring something new to your life by moving to a different city. Without doubt this is not the easiest way to detox your life. But it certainly is a clean break from the things that hold you back.
  9. Change a habit that no longer serves you. Whether it is food, an addiction (such as smoking) or a behavioural pattern, releasing it will give you a sense of achievement that will help you in reaching even bigger goals.
  10. Finally, are you holding on to feelings and emotions from the past? Most of us do. But past experiences can have serious consequences on your current life. Clearing your mind, can have a massive impact on the level of happiness in your life. Working with a mindset coach can help you re-discover happiness.

In conclusion. Stress and clutter go hand in hand. On the one hand, reducing stress can reduce the clutter. On the other hand you can reduce the clutter, to reduce stress. But whatever your approach, you are likely to feel more relaxed and more in control of your life.

3 Ways corporate culture can make you look sick

How good do you feel in your job? We all know that a job causes stress can lead to sickness. But can your corporate culture influence how you look?

corporate culture, leadership mindset, vitality

Throughout me working with clients and organisations I have identified 3 ways that you company culture can make you look sick.

1. Values and Purpose

If you work for an organisation that has corporate culture based on values you don’t share, it can cause significant stress. For example, you will experience stress if you value spending time with your family and you have a job that requires you to travel 80% of the time.

There is another way that values and purpose can make an impact. No career development path or if you don’t feel valued. Also a lack of management’s commitment to the values an purpose of the organisation.

2. Your corporate culture generates negativity

There is a reason why positive psychology is gaining traction. Positivity is good for you, it attracts positivity. Can you imagine working in an organisation where the energy is negative? Negativity can manifest and grow in different ways.

In his book “Power vs Force” David R Hawkins, describes different levels of energy and he relates them to emotions. He also applies them to organisations.

At the lower end of the energy scale, you find shame, misery, guilt, and blame. You can find these characteristics in organisations (as well as individuals) that operate in a negative energy field. Towards the positive end of the scale you find harmony, acceptance and understanding, characteristics of well-functioning companies and individuals. Beyond that, at the extreme positive end, you find peace and enlightenment.

3. Misalignment of personality and duties.

During a workshop I gave in healthcare, we measured if attendants were people focused or task focused. To my surprise, 95% of attendees registered as task focused. I had thought that most nurses would be people focused. My reasoning being that when you become a nurse you want to care for people. It raised a question in my mind: Is it possible that people focused individuals, through education, can become ‘task focused’?

An article on 16personalities.com sheds some light on this. The premise of the article is that you can’t change your personality, but you can change behaviours or adopt different characteristics.

I have seen in healthcare that many people lacked the energy and radiance that you expect from healthy people. This made me believe that you are able to change the way a person works, but this causes stress if it is not aligned with the underlying personality.

In Conclusion

Not only does stress cause your body to go into a state of fight and flight but also directing essential energy and resources from maintaining psychical homeostasis, causes a physical imbalance. Illness and disease is often related to chronic stress, caused by a negative corporate culture.

3 ways to handle conflict as an authentic leader

There are different ways to handle conflict. You can go with the flow, or you can go against the flow. During one of my Authentic Leadership KeynoteEvents, I asked an attendee in which direction they would row if I put them in a canoe in a rapidly flowing river? Most people would say with the flow. However, they would choose to row against the flow.

I was feeling tired already, with a sense of not getting anywhere. On the other hand, I realised, the point the attendee made was very valid.
authenticy leadership mentoring, authentic leadership, mindset, conflict resolution

Ready to shift your mindset?

Wouldn’t you say that the most important element of your car is the engine? It drives everything, without an engine you won’t get far. True? Yet, you don’t let the engine decide what route to take from a to b. You rely on the driver. And this is where the body is just like a car, so let’s shift your mindset.

Your body is the same as a car. It has an engine (the brain) and a driver (the heart). So it would make sense that, since the brain is the engine of your body (it regulates breathing, heartbeat, hormones, etc.) we would not let it decide the best route to take us from a to b. Yet most of us do.

mindset, Neuro Pathway Mapping, purpose, heart, shift your mindset, authentic leadership, authenticity mentoring program, business, (more…)

Date: 04/21/2017
Time: 01:00-01:30pm
Appearance: How to shift your mindset (Repeat)
Outlet: 101 Business Radio
Location: Perth,WA
Format: Radio

Book your seat now at my upcoming Event. http://bit.ly/leadershipandvitality

Ready to shift your mindset?

Wouldn’t you say that the most important element of your car is the motor? It drives everything, without an engine you won’t get far. True? Yet, you don’t let the engine decide what route to take from a to b. You rely on the driver. And this is where the body is just like a car, so let’s shift your mindset.

Your body is the same as a car. It has an engine (the brain) and a driver (the heart). So it would make sense that, since the brain is the engine of your body (it regulates breathing, heartbeat, hormones, etc.) we would not let it decide the best route to take us from a to b. Yet most of us do.

mindset, Neuro Pathway Mapping, purpose, heart, shift your mindset, authentic leadership, authenticity mentoring program, business, (more…)

Date: 04/18/2017
Time: 07:00--7:30 p.m.
Appearance: How to shift your mindset
Outlet: 101 Business Radio
Location: Perth,WA
Format: Radio

Book your seat now at my upcoming Event. Spaces are limited. http://bit.ly/leadershipandvitality

Preventing stress and burnout

We all start our career with enthusiasm. We all have expectation of what success looks like. But we often don’t know the link between Authentic Leadership and Vitality

But let’s be honest…. we start with a dream, and regrettably, along the way, we get distracted and discouraged.

If you are serious about living by your own rules, you need a different approach.

authentic leadership, leadership and vitality, mindset, purpose, heart

(more…)

Date: 06/28/2017
Time: 19:00-21:00 p.m
Event: Event: Discovering the link between Authentic Leadership and Vitality
Topic: Discovering the link between Authentic Leadership and Vitality
Venue: Technology Park Function Centre
Location: 2 Brodie-Hall Drive
Bentley (Perth), WA 6102
Australia
Public: Public
Registration: Click here to register.
More Info: Click here for more information.